5 Steps to Survive Your First WLW Break-Up
Feeling sad? Having trouble getting out of bed? Playing Syd or girl in red on repeat? You may be navigating your first WLW heartbreak.
Sapphic breakups are notoriously difficult to get through. Maybe that’s why the statement, “everyone is still friends with their ex” feels more truth than stereotype.
Fear not. I present five steps that will have you surviving and thriving moving forward in no time.
1. Stop talking to your ex
You know what’s nearly impossible to do while you’re still talking to your ex?
Move on.
It may be time to stop texting. Let her go.
You won’t get the closure you’re seeking. That is rarely possible in relationships with two flawed humans.
Dragging out this break-up over months isn’t going to help either of you. Sleeping with your ex won’t either. You need time and space to grieve instead of holding onto a fantasy of what could’ve been.
2. Grieve
Speaking of grief, have you tried being sad?
Like, really leaning into it—listening to sad music; going on sad walks; and sending your BFF despairing voice memos.
Sometimes the girl doesn’t get the girl. Or the enby. Or transmasc lesbian.
Sometimes relationships that seemed beautiful and so full of promise turn ugly.
Sometimes your safe place to land is just a complicated person navigating their own complex trauma.
Sometimes you can’t “fix her”, and that’s okay. People are not projects. You are not a construction crew.
Sometimes they are not the person you thought they were.
Sometimes you just want different things.
Sometimes love is not enough. Sustaining a healthy relationship requires communication, conflict resolution and repair — and your ex doesn’t know how to do any of those things. And if we’re being honest, neither do you.
Sometimes things just don’t work out.
All of that hurts and you need time to feel your feelings.
That’s not the same as immediately jumping into a rebound relationship.
Don’t do that.
It’s okay to be sad. It won’t last forever.
If you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you can’t function, skip to the end of the article, please. You are not alone and help is available.
Grief is a normal response to loss. You don’t have to ignore it; mask it with overwork; or drown it in excessive alcohol and drugs. You also shouldn’t shove it down deep somewhere and never address it.
Wait, so what the hell do I do with it again? Bed rot and cry while deleting pics off my phone?
It depends on your preference. Some people process grief by leaning into alone time and solo dates. Others prefer spending time with friends or community.
3. Find community
It’s time to find community…again.
And please do not abandon it the next time you fall in love with a pretty girl or nonbinary baddie. You can’t crash out every time a relationship ends. So let’s establish a few healthy habits to nourish your need for community – whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Small steps and consistency!
So, where to get started?
I recommend checking Instagram, Discord, Meetup and Reddit for sapphic events in your area. And choose carefully.
The $35-50 day parties, and happy hours are great but they’re not always a great way to meet friends. Look for community-focused, activity-based sapphic events like volunteering at a food bank; a free craft night; coffee and a neighborhood walk; yoga; or book club. If they have structured socializing, that’s even better. That might look like introductions and icebreakers, stoplight name tags, games and more. Those small details help integrate new people into the group! Especially if you don’t look like everyone else.
Caveat: And as much as I love and believe you should pour into your local sapphic community, that is not enough.
There are plenty of queer communities out there that won’t match your values — that are more focused on binge drinking culture than they are on learning queer politics, uplifting marginalized communities and unlearning patriarchy.
So choose wisely.
Find friends who share your progressive beliefs.
4. Make new friends and acquaintances
Your ex is gone and so are your queer friends.
Because they were her friends—not yours.
She was your first girlfriend. You were newly out, and pressed pause on sapphic friendships — which take time and effort — to focus all of your energy on her instead.
Honest mistake.
Do you really want to go back to listening to your straight coworkers complain about the same mid guys over and over again. No you don’t.
It’s time to make your own queer friends. Just remember not to abandon them the next time you fall in love.
Volunteer
Volunteering is a great way to meet people and a lot of queer events need volunteers!—from protests to pride to iftars, volunteers run queer community events around the world. So, grab a nametag and a clipboard, roll up your sleeves and help other people feel welcome. You’re guaranteed to meet new people along the way. It doesn’t matter if you’re “newly out” or not. No one is going to ask to see your dating record. But if dating comes up, they’ll be impressed by the fact that you’re not talking to your ex and your friend group doesn’t consist solely of failed talking stages. You’re already ahead of the game.
Use the apps
Download Bumble BFF and be very specific about the type of friend you’re looking for. Whether your goal is Love Is Blind marathons, restaurant week or city girl walks, it helps to know what you want!
Saying you like food, travel and animals in your profile isn’t specific enough. Saying you enjoy DnD and are looking for a Healer is a little better.
But Bumble isn’t the only option for making friends.
On TikTok, search for bisexuals/lesbians + your city.
Message queer/trans content creators who already share your values — and ask if they’re open to new friends or acquaintances. Schedule a platonic date and get to know each other better over matcha or boba. If it turns out you aren’t compatible, that’s okay. Find someone else and try again.
And no that’s not the same as messaging sapphic content creators you think are hot. If you have to be attracted to someone in order to be friends with them, you have a lot of internal work to do and maybe you’re not ready for friendships yet.
Cultivate new acquaintances
There is value in a good acquaintance with shared interests. You do not have to be best friends or even close friends to hang out. And if the relationship progresses to friendship that’s great! But you are an adult and making new friends as an adult is not always easy. Do you even have the time?
Maybe you work long hours — now that you’re newly single and paying 100% of the rent or mortgage again. Maybe you’re busy coparenting with a different ex. Maybe you just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to support another best friend — and that’s okay. Make new acquaintances instead.
For starters, it’s a practical approach. As an adult, you’ll meet very few people who declare, “let's be friends” to someone they’ve just met. That ended in your 20s along with drunken confessions in the women’s room at your favorite club.
There is value in cultivating acquaintanceships even if the price you pay is small talk, boundaries and limits on oversharing and trauma dumping. And are those bad things?
5. Work on yourself
You’ve fallen in and out of love with another woman or sapphic.
An emotional rollercoaster.
By now, you’ve heard every cliché about WLW relationships and you’ve personally experienced at least half of them
So it’s perhaps fitting that we end by holding up a mirror and doing some internal work.
I can use myself as an example.
Sigh.
Okay, let’s go!
Real talk: Who I am in a relationship is completely different from who I am when I’m single — and not in a good way. Like, I don't even know that woman. She has made some progress with boundaries but still folds at the slightest pushback. She doesn’t feel heard or seen in relationships. And she allows resentment to build up until she is ready to walk away.
That is…something I need to work on. No one can uphold boundaries for me. I have to set aside my fear of conflict, of rejection and be willing to walk away much earlier if I’m being treated in a way that is inconsistent with what I want for myself in a relationship. No shade to the other person. We simply aren’t compatible and I won’t waste my time or theirs.
I plunged back into the WLW dating pool a year ago. There have been a lot of ups and downs but one thing I’ve learned is to walk away sooner. Sometimes the incompatibility is obvious. My date is ethically non monogamous and I am not; or they are apolitical and I am not. Despite this, the dreaded thing still happens. I express a boundary and a perfect stranger argues with me about what I really want. And I wilt because how the fuck do I respond to that?
From therapy, I now know that pushing back against boundaries is normal human behavior. Rude! But pretty average. So I’m working on how I respond in those situations. I can’t control their behavior but I can brainstorm what to do next.
Sometimes, the incompatibility is less visible. Or at least, feels less obvious. I mean we’re all queer here. Is it not a rite of passage to deal with sapphic cliches like love bombing, codependency, U-Hauling, silent treatment, poor communication, closeted partners, fatphobia, colorism, your girlfriend being best friends with all of her exes, untreated and undiagnosed mental health concerns or partners who need you to be their everything because they have no one.
Do we run at the first sign of danger or do we ignore the red flags because this is just what WLW dating is like? Maybe we are the red flag? Maybe this sort of behavior is just normalized.
For things to be different, the world would have to be different — with more acceptance from our family, friends, neighbors and faith communities. Queer and trans people would need more social support. I’m hopeful but not holding my breath.
So this is where I leave you, gentle reader. Not with empty advice about there being plenty of fish in the sea. For starters, that’s absolutely not true for lesbians. Our dating pools are ridiculously small. Plus, I used to date men, so I can confidently say that’s not true for bi/pansexuals either.
But also, please don’t jump right back into dating without doing some internal work first. You don’t need a soul mate right now, you need space from your ex, time to grieve and opportunities to build community, make queer/trans friends and work on yourself.
Swiper, no swiping.
Put the dating apps down.
But stay blessed. Sapphic heartache is no joke and healing takes time .
Additional Resources
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME or HOLA to 741 741 to reach a live volunteer Crisis Counselor. Will call the police without your consent if they decide you are an “imminent risk”.
https://www.crisistextline.org
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 to talk to a counselor. Will call the police without your consent if they decide you are an “imminent risk”.
Para comunicarse con un consejero que habla español, marque 988 y luego presione 2 o envié la palabra AYUDA al 988.
If you are LGBTQI+ and under age 25, call 988 and press 3 to be connected or text PRIDE to 988.
Trevor Project: 24/7 support for LGBTQ young people who may be struggling with coming out, LGBTQ+ identity, depression, and suicide. Will call the police without your consent if they decide you are an “imminent risk”.
Text START to 678 678 or call 1-866-488-7386 to talk to a live person.
https://www.thetrevorproject.org
Trans Lifeline: provides trans peer support for the community; divested from police since day one; run by and for trans people. Will not call police.
Call 877-565-8860.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: provides support to anyone impacted by relationship abuse.
Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Feeling sad? Having trouble getting out of bed? Playing Syd or girl in red on repeat? You may be navigating your first WLW heartbreak.